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Mother’s Death, A Daughter’s Tears

My mother died on 12/23/02 after fighting  scleroderma which is a tissue diseases  for over 14 months. This blog will document my journey of coming to grips with the loss of the most important woman in my life.

10 Years Gone & It Still Hurts

My Mom died ten years ago at a hospital in Waco , Texas at Hillcrest Hospial scleroderma which is a tissue disease  . She’s been 10 years gone and it still hurts emotionally, sometimes badly. 10  years of living life without my Mother,  10 years without hearing her voice or feeling her touch. Ten  years….

Random memories flashed through my mind today, all day, about what happened on this ten  years ago.I remember I was sittin at the hosptail and she was on the keymo thephy and this was the hardest thing every to have to see my mother just layin there lookin and watching but could talk back  . This was so hard to have to see her this way .so unbeliveable that this was happening ,but i was tryin to just clam in her eyes because this was it .

I was the one who called her  relatives , I remember calling them but I don’t remember what we said to one another. I also remember calling my father, her ex-husband, and telling him that she had died; I remember hearing his voice fill with tears and wondering what was going through his mind at that exact moment.

I remember going out to eat at the local cafe that was open for dinner, the waitress asking us how are day had been, and telling her my Mom had died earlier in the day. That caught her by surprise and she didn’t know what to say, except that she was sorry. The look in her eyes went from being very friendly to sad.I remember seeing my father crying at the graveside ceremony and I asked him why he was crying. Why did I ask him that? He had spent over 21 years of life with my Mom and fathered me  with her; was he crying because he still loved her in a way? He told me it was because he hated see  I, hurting. Even then, beside the grave of the woman he’d been legally married to for 21years, he couldn’t admit that he might be crying because maybe he still was in love with  her.

I  felt bad because my parents were married 21 yrs and had just got a divocre like 3 yrs before my mother death for my Mom, someway, somehow. My mother didnt get sick til after my parents divored .By that point in time, I no longer felt any anger toward her for role in the break-up of my parent’s marriage. The part of me that blamed her, was almost completely gone by then. Seeing her unhappy  made that part of me go away forever I will share my memories with her. And I will cry, and at least I will know and understand why I’m crying.

Why do things happen the way they do? Who can say? Only God can and I hope someday I’ll be judged good enough by Him to stand before Him to get my question answered. Why do things happen the way they do?I always think why does things keep gettin takein away from me .i am in lost thought at time my mother is gone ,then I was lock up 2 yrs after her death I was sent to prison my kids were only 2 and 4  yrs of age so then I was taking away from my boys for 2 yrs .So i am like Why ??? Now that I have over come the weakness and become a person that my mother would have love to see today Im doin it for only her n my wonderful boys .I stay frightnted in life because of this with my mother n my kids I dont have no one i am still suffering with out my boys at home full time and living with me like they should never in my life i would think this will happend to me .That i am havin to go back & forth with my kids to see them only as what court papers order .That my mother wasnt even able to see my boys grow up only seen them as babies (1 1-2 yrs old & 6month old )I  can remember my mother would be so sick and be at my house helpin me take care of me when i was relaesed from hospatil w my youngest helping me when she shouldnt  have been the things are just so hurting and I  just wish it was all a dream ..I miss my momma and wish she was here now she would be so happy n proud of me .

One day my momma came and pick me and kids up to go Sunday church w her she wanna me to get saved and to this day it hurts to know she knew she was fixin to not make it  for much longer .If i could just rewind this all I just want my mother back .I think my Mom would be proud that I’m a changed person . Chances are, we won’t make it but at least I can say I tried to do something she wanted me to do .Things have been hard for me lately; I’ve been feeling really lonely and depressed since my mother dealth . Even though things were not perfect , there were some nice moments and memeories that i will never forget .

I  know my Mom is watching out for me. I feel her with me sometimes, guiding me. Other times, when I need money or help and have no idea what to do, a solutions appears out of the blue and I know she’s up There trying to help me out. Still, it isn’t the same as if she were here alive with me.Well, I don’t know what else to say right now. I will finish here ..and until again … Thanks again for listening …

 a chours from a song :

Lady…
Don’t cha know we love ya? Sweet lady
Dear mama
Place no one above ya, sweet lady
You are appreciated
Don’t cha know we love ya?

Pour out some liquor and I reminsce, cause through the drama
I can always depend on my mama
And when it seems that I’m hopeless
You say the words that can get me back in focus
When I was sick as a little kid
To keep me happy there’s no limit to the things you did
And all my childhood memories
Are full of all the sweet things you did for me
And even though I act craaazy
I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
There are no words that can express how I feel
You never kept a secret, always stayed real
And I appreciate, how you raised me
And all the extra love that you gave me
I wish I could take the pain away
If you can make it through the night there’s a brighter day
Everything will be alright if ya hold on
It’s a struggle everyday, gotta roll on
And there’s no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated
My plan is to show u I understand
Sweet lady !